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Rhannan

Otherkin Dating Advice

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It's been a bit since I asked if anyone would be interested in doing a dating advice thread for kin, so I'm going to get this started finally. Some of this will be more general advice, and of course it will come from personal experience.

My biggest piece of advice is to be careful who you trust. If you meet someone who tries to convince you that they have the answers, that they know what you really are and will tell you when you're ready and/or that there is some special reason they can't tell you, avoid this person, cut them out of your life at all costs. No one can tell you who or what you are, it is a private and personal journey, and only you can make it. These individuals are the sorts who are controlling, manipulative, and often psychologically abusive. They are typically narcissistic, compulsive liars, and have a megalomaniac personality (and sometimes they are bipolar or will appear to be and may try to blame their behavior on that). Their actions are inexcusable, no matter what they've been through or what psychosis they may claim to be suffering from. It's very easy for someone starting out in their journey to be taken in by someone like this. He or she will often seem like a bright beacon of hope, knowledge, and safety, but their aim is to wrap you around their finger so that you will be focused on them and fuel their ego. Also avoid those who try to occupy all of your time. There is such a thing as talking with someone too much or seeing them too often. They will engage you, you'll spend time on the phone not really saying anything or talking about anything, but they'll find reasons to keep you on anyway. They'll call you often, message you all the time, always try to see you, every day if possible, and find ways to make sure that you're always thinking about them. Run away from these people. You'll find that you spend less time talking with friends and family, spend less time hanging out with them, and you might even lose interest in your own hobbies and aspirations. These types of people are also controlling. It'll usually start with them getting upset that you're talking with one of your friends, either because it's "too late at night to be talking to someone else" or because they've decided, for whatever reason, they don't like them. They will also often start to get suspicious of you and your activities, accusing you of cheating on them or thinking of cheating on them. Sometimes they'll do it sideways, saying so-and-so told them you were talking or hanging out with such-and-such a person, "but it's ok, I don't believe them, I trust you". Those are tactics meant to make you start doubting your friends and cut you off from them. These types of people and interactions are UNHEALTHY and you need to get away from them immediately. Don't feel bad for cutting them out of your life without a word, don't let them guilt you into letting them stay or letting them back into your life. It is perfectly fine for you to cut toxic people from your life and, trust me, these people are highly toxic.

While I may be on an anti-love kick right now, I'll try to refrain from saying to avoid dating altogether. Mostly I am doing this thread because I want to try and save other people from making the same devastating mistakes I did. There are things that I have still not recovered from and that damage will probably stay with me for the rest of my life, so if I can keep even one person from going through what I have, then my goal has been accomplished.

Please share your own dating advice. I'll probably have more tips later, and please ask questions. There may very well be someone on the forum who has gone through what you have or are, or they may know someone who has, and can give some advice on how to handle the situation.

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I can only agree with Rhannan...stay as far away as possible from toxic people, may they be human or Otherkin! If your guts tells you that there is something not quite right about a person, then you will in the vast majority of cases, be right. Watch out love /compliment bombing in the very begining of a friendship or relationship or people pressuring you into recieving their so called help...these are two major red flags!!!! And remember in these cases it is perfectly alright to break off all contact without any explaination, even though you may feel rude in doing so: these people do not want to love you and see you happy. They want to use you and control you in anyway that makes them feel good or feel amused...even if it means breaking you down completely!!! On the internet, then the very best and most simple way to get rid of these people is to: delete and block, use the ignore button if there is such one or mentally ignore them: do not read or respond to their posts or PM's!!!! Should they cause even more trouble, then contact the forum administrator!!!

But as for actually relationships and dating...

Just before and very early on in my awakening I was in a relationship with a guy that I think might have been a slumbere, too. He was very interested in Vampires, not the movie -and pop culture ones...but real life Vampires. And looking back he did show some signs of Vampirism, but as said...he never mentioned neither Otherkin or him being one. An online friend, a fellow Elf who had been awakened for years told me straightout within the first few weeks of my awakening not to expect much of this relationship, I got a bit cross by his remark and asked him why, he replied "Because people change during an awakening" and he was absolutely right!!!!! I think that I can say for all here that an awakening brings out your true self and this self might be very different from the disquise that you have been living under your whole life and even for several previous incarnartions. And well, not everyone that you know will understand and like these new changes...friendships and romantic relationships will fall apart, but just to give way to better ones, because after all if you cannot be your true self in a friendship and romantic relationships...then why be in one at all? During the first stages in an awakening you are going to change a lot and sometimes rapidly and you are going to need a lot of time to do research, study, and reflect.  You  will be having symptomes that some migth misjudge as being physical or mental illnesses and try to do you more harm than good...there is no doctor or medicine which can cure the cramps of a developing the Elven energy flow in the left side of your body, itching phantom limbs, or severe Empath symptomes...and no, you are not going crazy!!!! So stick to friendships in the begining and avoid romances!

Avoid getting romantically involved with a mentor...no matter how kind and sincere this mentor is! You might feel like a newborn baby in a teenage -or adult body at the very begining of your awakening, at least I know that I did: you finally know who and what you are, but that does not mean that the world around you becomes more logical...in fact sometimes quite the opposite! You need to find your stand in the world all over, just like when you were a small child. The difference however is that you are not a child this time around, but feeling like one might make you feel inferior to a mentor in the same way a student migth feel inferior to a seasoned teacher, or a secretary feeling inferior to her boss. And a  healthy romantic relationship is built on mutual respect and balance!!!!! 

Not everone is romantically compatible...or get's along!!!! And this goes for humans too, yet still many seem to live under the spell that what goes for one person goes for all...and those who stray of the path are weird, evil, or down right insane. However different traits goes with different Otherkin races and some traits clash too hard to co-exist!!!! It does not mean that people hate eachother, it just means that your true self is too different from somebody else's true self and the most civil and polite way to cope with this is to acknowledge that the friendship or romantic relationship is not working due to kin clashes: thank the person for their time and the good experiences that you might have shared...and then move on! Of all, your fellow Otherkin will be the first to understand that you cannot alter or ignore you true self and kin characteristics and traits to other people's likings!!!! By accepting this, you may also experience that an Othetkin romance gone wrong can transform into a deep and long lasting friendship as it did with a friend of mine: we simply accepted that in our case an Elf and a Vampire are too different to be lovers and spouces! We then both to took some time out lasting a few nights and then embarked on a friendship that lasts to this day (still going strong after almost 15 years)...and this is partly because of self acceptance and knowing that none of us have done anything wrong, we were and are just being who and what we are!!!!

And that's about all the advice that I can give regarding Otherkin dating...

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I guess I do have some dating advice. I know this is about 'otherkin dating' but my first piece of advice would have to be don't restrict yourself to just otherkin partners. From personal experience I can say I've had low compatibility with every dragoness I've spoken to. Really I would say to keep your options open, be friends with people you find attractive regardless of if they are kin, therian, trans or sis human, and gage through conversation who among them would be open to the idea of having an otherkin partner. Not only is that good for finding out who you can be open with, but it also allows you to figure out who you are truly compatible with. 

My next piece of advice is don't treat your partner like an item. Don't think of your boyfriend/girlfriend as some object in your life that exists when you want them too - if you really feel that way about them, you shouldn't have them. They are your friend, one of your closest, and it's important to treat them as such. On that same note though, pay attention to your partner. If it seems like they aren't interested or only want you around part of the time, then it's not a good relationship and you should stop dating them. 

My final piece would be don't listen to your parents. Sounds odd, especially with all the lame romance stories about a girl dating a jerk and figuring out he's a jerk only to run home crying that her parents were right, but in my experience, parental advice should be taken with a barrel of salt. Think about it, if you don't trust your family to respect you for your kin self, why would they have the ability to decide what partners would be right for you?

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Yea, I agree with some of what you said, Draken (and this is definitely for all kinds of dating advice).

I've had partners who've been human and those who've been kin, it's a mixed barrel either way. I tend to have high initial compatibility with certain kin, but things usually go downhill from there because I can only take a certain level of possessive/territorial and then I'm out. Keeping your options open is good and remember that your partner is an individual, too. Sometimes we take for granted that they have lives, thoughts, and feelings of their own. Definitely, they are not possessions and you need to maintain an awareness of what's going on in their lives. Building off of that, never be afraid to have separate activities. It's perfectly ok if your partner is artistic and you are more of an outdoor type. Maybe you'll go do some local sports or go for a run while your partner spends time at home working on a creative project. This gives you something to talk about when you come back together. By the same token, make sure you have activities you do together, and it doesn't have to involve going out and spending money. Staying in and cooking together is a great way to get to know each other better and spend time together. Plus, you're more likely to cook something wholesome if you're doing it together. (However, if your partner is like me and he/she tells you to step out of the kitchen when they're cooking, just do it, I promise you it's safer that way.)

I do have to sort of disagree on your last piece of advice though, Draken. Yes, take what your family says with a grain of salt, but their advice (usually) comes from a place of love and concern, and they can often see things in a romantic (or platonic) relationship that we cannot because we're so busy caught up in our emotions. The lame romance story is unfortunately a very real situation that happens to a lot of people, men and women. Odds are, your dad recognizes the type of guy your boyfriend is, or your mom recognizes the type of girl your girlfriend is, perhaps vice versa because, hey, they dated someone just like him/her once upon a time. If I ever have a daughter, I hope I've raised her with enough trust in me that she'll listen when I tell her it's a bad idea to date some boy because I dated someone like him. In hindsight, there are many times I should have listened to my parents (and grandmother) because they were seeing things that I could not. I was too close to the situation, too anxious for things to work out and be perfect, to accept that anything was wrong. Ultimately, every single one I was warned about ended, usually badly. The thing to remember is that your parents and grandparents have been down that road before, they've played the dating game and they've met all types of people. My grandma used to be like me, very trusting and gullible, until one day she had was taken advantage of one too many times. If there is anyone other than my mom capable of seeing the truth in a situation, it's her, which is usually why I don't talk with her much when I'm busy ignoring my own misgivings about someone. So my sort of counter-advice would be to listen to what your parents have to say and take it with a few grains of salt. Maybe they know about your kin-self, maybe they don't, but it isn't about them deciding what partners are or are not right for you, it's about them giving you an outside perspective on a situation you may not be seeing clearly. And that's all it is, advice. It's up to you whether to follow it or not. You can always think of it like asking the Tarot for advice: you don't have to follow it, but it's usually a good idea to at least listen and think it over.

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@Rhannan We might have to agree to disagree. I'm talking from my own experiences where what was quite possibly the best relationship I will ever have came to an end because I was stupid enough to listen to my father, a man who was at the time married to a complete ****, and who cheated on his wives frequently because of some psychological issue. And then after I break up and burn my bridges, that's when my father tells me I shouldn't have listened to him.

But you do have good points about listening to family, and given that mine comes from a mixture of regret and daddy issues, I'd say take my advice with salt. 

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15 hours ago, DrakensonofDrakonis said:

@Rhannan We might have to agree to disagree. I'm talking from my own experiences where what was quite possibly the best relationship I will ever have came to an end because I was stupid enough to listen to my father, a man who was at the time married to a complete ****, and who cheated on his wives frequently because of some psychological issue. And then after I break up and burn my bridges, that's when my father tells me I shouldn't have listened to him.

But you do have good points about listening to family, and given that mine comes from a mixture of regret and daddy issues, I'd say take my advice with salt. 

Every person is different, every parent is different, and ever parent-child relationship is different. I may not feel comfortable talking with my parents about certain things, specifically kin things, but they're usually pretty spot on with their advice. Of course, I come from a line of women who usually have at least a touch of the sight and intuition that is almost always accurate.

It's unfortunate that your dad gave you bad advice, perhaps at the time he just didn't like seeing you happy when he was unhappy. It's a horrible thing, to intentionally try to sabotage someone's happiness.

All advice, I think, should be taken with some salt.

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15 hours ago, DrakensonofDrakonis said:

@Rhannan We might have to agree to disagree. I'm talking from my own experiences where what was quite possibly the best relationship I will ever have came to an end because I was stupid enough to listen to my father, a man who was at the time married to a complete ****, and who cheated on his wives frequently because of some psychological issue. And then after I break up and burn my bridges, that's when my father tells me I shouldn't have listened to him.

But you do have good points about listening to family, and given that mine comes from a mixture of regret and daddy issues, I'd say take my advice with salt. 

Again it is all down to the individual, but my parents and I are so different from eachother that I would never trust them when it comes to dating advice and choice of partner: it would be all about what they wanted and how good the potiential boyfriend was at sucking up to them...and nothing more.

 

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39 minutes ago, Simara said:

Again it is all down to the individual, but my parents and I are so different from eachother that I would never trust them when it comes to dating advice and choice of partner: it would be all about what they wanted and how good the potiential boyfriend was at sucking up to them...and nothing more.

 

My parents and grandmother especially see right through the sucking up. I've had guys suck up to my parents and even my grandma but it didn't work. There are maybe two people I've dated in the past that my parents have outright said I was stupid for breaking up with because we were a good match and he was actually going to be going places in his life and would be able to take care of me properly. (He was studying to be a doctor, specifically working on Alzheimer's and cancer patients.) I do wish he and I had at least managed to keep in touch because he was a good friend, but I was too turbulent at the time with all of the emotional drama I had going on, my deep depression, and I was going through a painful awakening. You're quite right about awakenings being a bad time to try dating, Sim.

I still recommend listening to their advice and taking it with some salt, and, as I said, every parent and parent-child relationship is different. I guess I'm lucky that I have a good relationship with mine.

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