Yaakovana Tovah

The Awakening

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So, this is part-way like coming out, but I figured I would record my experience here so some may understand it or, perhaps, even learn from it. Forewarning, this is a fair bit of reading and I ultimately plan on publishing this as a quasi-testimony/biography for the masses. 

First though, it's going to be a bit depressing. As I have become more intune with my past-selves, understanding who and what I am, there has been various levels of development. Memories of my childhood had become unrepressed and I can see ties to where they have come.

My previous lives have been filled with war and carnage, stemming back as one of the rebellious Celestials that fought against the Law and it's entities in Zion, to my Oni life where I was trained to be a samurai after being a Kitsune slave, being part of a Pre-Saxon Viking clan and having a life in World War I, just to name a few...this has caused an...unfortunate side-effect in my soul, mainly being more violent and akin to bloodshed than harmony. I lived in a Baptist Christian home, where violence was not very tolerated. Even something as relatively kid-friendly as Power Rangers was something I was barely allowed to watch. At the vulnerable age of five, I would already have the dreams of carving people, finding and killing those who opposed me, messing up a good chunk of my childhood and made me feel that I had a monster living inside of me.

Then, my mother passed away when I was at the tender age of 11 years old. The trauma numbed me and turned me off to both the spiritual and mental paths. It wouldn't be until 12 or 13 when I saw a plaque of a poem my brother had written for my mother, that triggered a desire in me to write. Through my writing, over the next 6 to 7 years, I had to slowly redevelop my emotions and how to feel this. I did this by creating avatars that personified each emotion and I would role-play them at different times, until I was mentally trained to express each of them freely, but by the end of it, they had taken lives of their own, having relationships of their own and I was faced with an identity and personality issue.

Learning meditation and visualization, as I had taken roads through different religions out of my hatred for the Christian religion, I slowly brought them together to be me again. I had lost good friends to this problem, believing I had faked MPS to be with more people, but it was a tool I needed for my development. They were real, to me, but not real enough for the world. Over the course of my life, I met many growing Otherkin and spiritual people who filled my head with ideas and manipulated my ignorance. Eventually I had enough of it and set out for the answers myself.

One of my first, unlocked, repressed memory, was an old memory of me as a childhood. I had a nightmare the same night after I had watched the first Harry Potter movie, where I stood in my family's office, but in an open cupboard that was not there before, with a open-top wooden box, maybe of pine or sandalwood, on display. Inside it, rest a crystal much-like the stone in the movie, but it was finely cut and shimmered deeper and called to me. When I reached for it however, I felt a horrible presence and looked down the hall from the office. There, where the livingroom would've been, a shade was present, staring at me. It's form was of pure black with eyes of deep, bloody red, with no visible features. It stared at me as I looked at, then looked back to the crystal and then back at the shade, unmoving from it's spot.

It became apparent to me that if I took the crystal, the being would be upon me. At the time, I believed it to be a malevolent force. In either stupid, childish naivety or courage, I took the crystal. In fractions of a second, in the time it took me to turn my head back on it, it flashed forward and was on me. All I could see was blackness and it's piercing, violent red-eyes. This, I realize, was only a couple years before my mother died.

Examining this event, it became known to me that the crystal represented my spiritual awakening, like rebirth, and it took primary residence with my Root Chakra. I devoted time to focusing on each chakra from that point, slowly honing myself, but I was still prone to violence and depression. When I turned 21, a switch turned on in my head, that told me I could drown my depression and boiling hatred with alcohol. After almost a year in a half-drunk state of mind, playing games and dragging myself through life, I came upon a video-series called, The Bible, an evangelical re-telling of the most known stories of the bible.

Having been Christian, forcibly, for most of my life, I was curious to see how close they got, but I never cared to buy it, want it or pay mind to it. It wasn't until my Pagan friend's Catholic mother came into possession of it from our Mormon friend. Oh the irony is thick with this. I came home one night, expecting to drink while playing Xbox, to find it playing in the livingroom. It did not fall deaf on me. I had been issues a divine challenge. It was in my home, ready to be seen. What was my move? I decided to give it a single episode, to see what was up...pay in mind, it was 11ish or midnight when I started.

I proceeded to watch it through the night. I had not touched a drop of alcohol. I didn't even register it existed. Something about it going from a paper format to the television broke me down. Stories I had practically memorized came rushing back and hit me hard in the face. Before I approached the Christ-arc, I had to stop because I was slowly getting delirious. The time I exactly stopped at, was 444. To those unfamiliar with numerology, it's a number that means the divine is watching and that you're on the correct path. I broke down, realizing this and moved to the restroom to splash water on my face just to calm the hell down. 

When I looked up into the mirror. I didn't see me. I saw what I was. Who I was and what I would become if I didn't do anything about it. I saw my death, the deaths of friends and family and everyone I knew, all on my own hands. I had to look away, gripping the counter as I could barely stand. Then, I heard Him. Yes, HIM. He spoke to me, saying, in a calming, but still commanding voice, "Look at me. Look up to me."

I did not sleep. I stumbled out of my home, walking aimlessly, mentally fragmented. I was almost forced to admit myself as with every reflection I could see, whether it was the mirrors or plastic in my department of the store or in puddles of water, I was going mad. Seeing what was happening again and again. For three days, this went on, until my Christian friend knew what was happening, comforted me and helped me back on my feet.

I dove once more into Biblical studies. To make a long story short, we separated because I devoured it and saw his own wrongs and self-righteously tried to fight and change him as I had. This drove him and some I loved away, until I met a powerful Pagan man and his friend who ran a multicultural shop. We debated about religion for eons, becoming fast-friends. He opened me up to a reality I had already seen; that all religion and spirituality is connected, that man and the Divine are one in the same thing and that the visages we see, are it communicating with us in a way we understand to help us grow stronger in our spirituality.

I was called to Athena and Poseidon through this process and my friend took me as a pupil, but I almost did not need him. He was instrumental, but he taught me almost all I needed to know with what he had already said. It wasn't long from here that I conversed with the being Ganesha, praying to him to help me relieve my barriers that kept me from further developing. This awakened my knowledge that my Root's most primal form was Chaos, having taken the form of a Quartz Dragon from the past, several beings fusing together in attempts before to save the world we came from. I note those events in my log if curious.

It was not long until since that I found my soul-mate and awakened my first memories, being the Celestial, at first known as Yaakov of the warrior House Tovah, a Chaotic Celestial like my twin brother Lucifer, which were beings who were born to keep Balance between the cosmic energies of Law and Anarchy, by forming Chaos. Recently however, she had left me, even though we had large amounts of history and I became lost, wondering what precisely I had done wrong. My sexual and emotional repressions from her started to go rampant and it required me to do serious meditation...with the combination of weed.

Yeah, yeah, but trust me, I hadn't touched the stuff most of my life because I did not believe it could actively increase my spirituality, but I was wrong. The first time I used it, my third-eye practically broke open, revealing most of the answers and ideas that I have today, increasing both my meditative depths as well as my strength of visualization, allowing me to freely traverse my memories in search of answers.

The biggest problem I had with being with my soul-mate...is because I had forcibly taken her through Chaos. I desired to possess her...not love her. Celestials were not allowed to choose their own mates or when they were supposed to create more. She was meant for my brother Lucifer, not me, and when I realized I could take her, I did. She gave consent to it, but I know it to be a false one. The Chaos energy I imbued her with, would be known as Lust, and, as we know with curses, there is no curse you place on one that you don't place on yourself. I don't know if that's the full reason why we did not work, but we've been star-crossed ever since, never working due to fate, misfortune or simply passing each other by without knowing it from life-to-life. 

I had slowly come to deal with this lately and made an important discovery that, for what I could best say, was sexually repressed. My soul was never male. It was female. My true name is Yaakovana zel Tovah and my Celestial birth came with it's own feral side. I am unsure if all Celestials are like this, but I know many of us possess an animal side. My own is that of a Tiger. So to imagine me as a Celestial, imagine a bi-pedal Tigress, like a white tiger, but the stripes are golden and I form six wings. My tiger tenacity and beliefs enhance by the Tiger warrior soul that I eventually possessed, giving me much more vicious claws and teeth. With the draconic soul that has blended with me, my right wings are draconic, the Angel that lies in me has given me more Angelic-like wings to my left, I possess the horns of my Oni soul and the teeth of the Vampiric, with the ferocity and shamanic ties of my Lycan, Ligren and Dryad souls inside me. My hands and feet are webbed from the Merfolk. I'm a bit of a freak, but I love myself all the same.

It's been hard coming out with it, but I am learning to love both my male body and my female mind. I do not plan on getting a sexual-change operation because it just feels unnecessary. I am part of Chaos and thus bring Balance. Being male and female is a form of checks and balances for me. Enhancing ourselves.

I hope this read wasn't too terribly hard to follow. Like I've said, I eventually plan on writing about all this and having it published. There are people who need to not feel alone and that the public should know we are real things that exist, even though it will probably destroy relationships and my reputation I have, I have to be true to myself, but also do my part for the failing world.

Namaste~

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Hmmmm...here the other day on Youtube, I read and commented to a comment about Samurais and reincarnation: As some of you know, one of my previous reincarnations was in Japan. And then a few other things happened in connection to this but not really worth mentioning. There is however no doubt that every single incarnation has an impact on your soul and if you find the means and times to discover your incarnations, you can learn a lot about yourself and life, by just remembering what you once knew.

Alcohol is the worst solution to any problem and it is clear as daylight when you observe drunk people: those who get a bit tipsy at parties are always happy, those who get drunk everyday are always miserable! So what ever your spiritual or mental problem is...do not drown it in alcohol!!!!! But I can understand why some do it and I can understand why you felt the need to do it, Yaakovana. Your past ( this present incarnation and the past ones ) have been traumatic. But I think that the best thing that you can do now is to rediscover your whole self and your past incarnations, embrace both the light and darkness...and take it from there.

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On 9/12/2017 at 5:07 AM, Simara said:

 

I don't really drink that much anymore. Ever since that day, alcohol and me aren't best friends. In moderation, it's fine, but I won't ever let myself get that bad ever again. Just won't happen.

And yes! That's what I've been doing my whole life, just having been creeping on it for most of my life. I am more confident in my being than I've ever been.

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Not to be the party-pooper or the debbie-downer or whatever you feel like calling me, but might I recommend that this be moved into your blog section, Yaakovana? Being that it is specifically about you and your experiences, that is what that area is for and I know that you already have a section in there just for your posts.

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On 9/20/2017 at 8:47 AM, Rhannan said:

Not to be the party-pooper or the debbie-downer or whatever you feel like calling me, but might I recommend that this be moved into your blog section, Yaakovana? Being that it is specifically about you and your experiences, that is what that area is for and I know that you already have a section in there just for your posts.

Hm, I suppose, though looking at this section itself, it doesn't seem out of place *that* much. My original purpose of posting this was to give insight and perhaps help others deal with both their religious and spiritual beliefs colliding with their ideas and emotions as Otherkin.

It was perhaps more emotional and personal than I originally attended and if I offended someone, I wholly apologize. If the moderators want it moved to my journal, that'd be acceptable. I can't delete it or move it on my own and, to be frank, I don't believe it needs to be moved, but if it does, I'm sure I'll be informed and will handle it gracefully.

And Rhannan, I'm not sure what you think of me, but your opening sentence lends me to speculate that you assume I would be harsh about this. I'm not. You have feelings and brought a valid point to the discussion here. I am sincerely appreciative of that. Do not be afraid in, at least, coming forward with me with concerns about me. I'll always take them with integrity, as long as civility is maintained. 

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*trying to type out on phone and hits every link but the one to get here first*

Ah, finally! Stupid phone and fingers and typing.... Anyway. I was simply throwing that out there with my first line in anticipation of those few that are everywhere who might try to come around and say that I'm being negative on someone's post or whatever. It was sort of a disclaimer for everyone.

I can't really explain why I feel it is out of place here right now because it's been a long day and I just took my ambien so words and typing are not working too well. I don't feel that the entire post doesn't belong, just some of it got too personal with information I feel is better shared in the journal section, which is for members only. But maybe that is because of how I am? Yes, the dream section in here is very personal, it's supposed to be, but the main topic section is not the same. I'm...my mind is failing me right now.

I do know you had mentioned making a book out of your awakening experience, so perhaps if you choose to continue posting entries that will go in it you might consider using your blog. You did start posting memories from past lives and awakening experiences in there. It might help you and those trying to keep up with it if the posts were grouped together. I know mine are out of order because the ones with the most recent comments rise to the top, but they are contained within my blog. I tried to title them so it would be somewhat indicative of their correct order. I, too, am thinking of writing a book about awakening and so I wanted to keep all of that in the same place on here.

It's just a thought, and I'm not saying it has to be moved or asking for it to be. I'm suggesting a place it may fit better based on some of the content. And it's not meant as any offence or to be rude, just stating my opinion.

Does that make sense?

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On 10/11/2017 at 7:19 PM, Rhannan said:

 

Of course, 100% and I do appreciate what you've said.

As far as all the memories and grouping them together...there's things that are more sensitive just memories. Things that tie to both religious beliefs and skepticisms thereof. A lot of my memories and my personal energies have collided with how I believe the universe and, as a product of this, God works...my beliefs and what I feel of myself make me belief in a divine creator...but somehow, not at the same time...

Those thoughts are...confusing and sometimes unravel the fragile mind that I occasionally have and sometimes I am unsure how to deal with them, though I'm doing my best. I've taken all of your words into consideration :) Thank you.

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