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About Lexaris

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  • Birthday August 6

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    Ontario, Canada

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  1. This isnt an artist, but look up cruelmagic on 8tracks. Her music is great for me, and a celestialkin friend of mine likes it too. A good one to start is "Space Witch".
  2. Perhaps. I don't know. I've always tended to be bad at interpreting other's actions. The idea that I was considered able to be redeemed is... comforting, if an odd thought, considering my actions, not only in this encounter but in my previous interactions with humans after my fall.
  3. Hello, all. I hope those of you who celebrate the holidays are having a good one. I wasn't entirely sure as to whether this belonged in this section, but it regards past life memories, so I took a chance. Anyhow, last night, at my grandmother's request, we went to midnight mass at a local church. It was actually a fairly atypical service in a very classicaly styled church, and I mention this because I think it may be relevant to why I had this memory there. In the past, most of my memories from my time as an angel and as a demon have come in dreams- ones where I am at the hazy crosspoint of aware but not. This one came when I was fully awake, during a hymn. I mentioned I believed the atypical service was perhaps a factor in my remembering, as the memory was a combative one, and the service was discordant with what I'd expected, creating a common theme of conflict between the two. Or perhaps I am over analyzing. Perhaps it was simply the combination of my current attempts to remember coupled with the talk of angels. Perhaps it was neither. The memory I had was in relation to my attempt to re-join the host, long after I fell. Previously, I was aware I tried, and it was a minor disaster, but I didn't realize exactly how badly I screwed up. Please be aware, anyone who isn't familiar with my story, I was not the peaceful type. It's blindingly bright. I shy away from it, and as the light draws closer I am reminded exactly how far I have fallen, how low I have sunk. The light impresses on me that I am no more than a shadow of what I once was- and what I hope to be again. A single angel separates from the other two and draws near to me, retaining a distance that doesn't cause me undue distress. I make my request; forgiveness. I ask for my grace back, and offer to accept whatever punishment they choose for me- they not being the angel with whom I speak, but the Host. The angel tells me no. They tell me this is my punishment. I chose to fall, I chose to side with Lucifer, and this is the punishment I am given. Anger flares in me, but I stay calm. I reiterate my request. I speak of my motives for rejoining the Host, how very ashamed I am for siding with Lucifer, how much I regret the things I have done in the years since leaving him and his ghastly followers. The answer is once again no. I am told it simply will not be allowed. However long I wait, however much I repent, I am no longer what I was. It's then that the anger, which I had tightly controlled, but which had been building since the first denial of my request, bursts forth. I strike out. I do not believe I was considered a threat; if I was, that would have been my end. But I lashed out. I drew fire to me, did all I could to tear aside the trio posed against me, something in my head screaming that perhaps this was how I would regain my place, by showing I was every bit what I once was. Yet in the centuries since I'd fallen, my power had waned. I was powerful, but in no means a match for an angel if they actually wanted to do me harm. I was so angry, frustrated with the existence my fall had left me with, and I remembered something I had learned in my time as an angel. I lashed out again, and managed to hurt the angel with whom I'd spoken. There was a moment, a heartbeat of silence. The tension was heavy. I flew. Let my wings carry me away as fast I could go, and quickly lost control. I slammed into the ground, some place where it was mossy and damp. They never came for me, probably because I wasn't much of a threat.
  4. Tea

    Personally, I tend towards a personal blend; masala chai and rosehip. With the right quality teas, you get this deep, almost firey tea. It serves well for certain kin-related cravings.
  5. Thank you.
  6. Hello. I was wondering if it would be possible for me to have a blog space? As far as I've seen it appears that you request said space here. (If I am wrong, and have missed something, let me know.) If I may choose a name for it, perhaps the same name as my other memory post, The Scattered Memories of a Former Angel. I just figure that perhaps it'll be easier to gather the memories I have if I have a space to write them. Thank you, -Lexaris
  7. Upon introducing myself, several people asked if I would share what I remember from my life before, both as an angel and as a demon. I will admit most of these memories are clouded, and I have always been somewhat of an unreliable narrator, but I have tried my best to transcribe what I remember without boring you all too terribly much. There's a lot I remember. There's a lot I don't. I remember a lot more from after the fall than before it, though there are some memories there. Chronologically, I think the earliest one I have is this. I am alone. It is very, very bright, and I am in a desert. I watch as the sun rises higher and a line of people emerge from the horizon. They do not see me, cannot, not unless I choose to show them, and that is not my purpose here. They get closer, and the man in the front is conversing animatedly with the man behind him. That is all I have of that first memory. I don't know what my purpose was, but I am sure I had one. After that, there are a few more scattered memories before the fall, but not many. One of the few things I remember clearly from Before is my choice to leave. Everything was a mess, and I finally felt something about anything much and I was angry at anything and everything and it seemed like the only choice I had. And in the end I fell with so many others and though this is about when things get cloudy again, I remember it hurt. It wasn't something I was expecting. Like, I understood it would hurt but hadn't really registered what that meant. So basically I ended up earthside down two sets of wings, power pretty severely docked and really pissed. I ditched the rest of the Legions, though I don't remember precisely why. Something about not wanting to listen to anyone's instructions, ever, I think. And that's about when I apparently lost my freaking mind, because whoa. For awhile there I probably almost defined 'demon'. I shudder to think about what I was then. I'm very much not the violent type these days, so that's probably the only thing out of all of it that legitimately messed with me. Anyhow, given enough time (I haven't the foggiest how long- probably several centuries, if not a whole lot longer) I calm down and sort of have this "whoa, okay, you're sort of being a jerk to literally anything that moves, stop that" and move through the years with significantly fewer awful things following behind me. Fast forward, I don't know how long, but Christianity had long since gone mainstream, at least where I was. I'm fairly certain we're talking Feudal Europe, possibly France. Not quite sure. I'd been wandering the world a long time, and I have many memories around this time that aren't too terribly interesting, so I won't go into detail. I started to want to go back, back to Heaven. I was still angry, sure, but I was also pretty homesick. I'd started to lose track of why it was I'd gotten so angry in the first place. So I tried to go back. It didn't work so well. After that spectacular disaster, I sort of hid away for a long, long time. Mountains, somewhere. Not Europe- I'd basically stamped the entire continent with a giant "NOPE" and left. I think it might have been somewhere in Israel, I'm not sure. There isn't much of anything past those days that I remember, and now, I'm here. That's about it. I was asked to share, and I did. -Lexaris Terribly sorry about the text! I don't know why it's like that. I never changed the font color or size. Edited to correct colour and size.